It Happened
I hated myself.
I hate myself
I am hating myself.
Torture.
Is what I do to myself at 2:33am when I'm thinking about how much of a waste I've become, am becoming and how I think, think about how no difference will be made if I was not here. Walking, talking, eating, breathing, living.
Just take it all away - it turns me upside down, inside out when I can't stop those wheels from turning in my head; they never stop - like some unstoppable tape record playing in my head- over and over and over again.
I don't sleep to good.
Maybe it's the way I say your name at that present moment in time and my mind automatically swells with
Nostalgia.
Or maybe it's the way I always think of your pretty big eyes that are the perfect shade of brown in the midst of my sorrows.
We once shared those.
But now they're just unequally balanced upon my shoulders, wreaking havoc in the last of the ruins that have been provided.
Oh look what I've gone and done.
I wanted to be alone not lonely.
I hate myself for what I have done to myself
Sadness is what I have become,
Consumed me in a way that is not visible to the naked eye- so only I can see.
It hits me at any given time of day - it slams against the mental capacity I have for the self loathing I have assimilated throughout my tiresome life.
All the self regret and self deprecation that has surfed through my mind during those lonely nights I laid there motionless and bitter have finally come and took over.
My mind, body and soul.
My troublesome inner demons taunt me. We are no longer shy acquaintances, we are the best of friends who spend each passing hour of the day together.
I don't want to live this way. Nor do I want to die this way, I'm entitled to spend the days of my life as openly and freely as I please but I still have sinking feeling - this clawing sensation, drawing me back to my sadness. Like a heroin junkie high as a kite - I'm addicted. And I don't know how. I'm addicted to my sadness and there's no cure for that.
I have to go now.
I have to cease this sharp self afflicted pain,
With the only way I know best.
There is a saying that says,
Destroy Anything That Destroys You
So I did.
|