In These I Feel . . .
I worked today and I didn’t think about you at all
I was happy when I came home
Ha! Home that’s a joke isn’t it, yeah . . .
I’ve never been home, never been, for never had!
So you weren’t there, you weren’t anywhere today!
Just tonight haunting my poems all over again!
I hate it I hate it I can’t rip you from my soul!!!
And what if I could
If I could would I be better off!!?
Well would I be better off without this feeling in my heart
In the lightest reaches of my conscious mind that I know now
What home feels like
Because I have felt your arms around me, felt your breath across my neck
Felt your eyes fall over my skin, touch in whispers my soul through and through
Listened to your breath that sighed silently in my ear under the stars
Because I felt you feeling at home in my arms too
My wandering mind that courses across the sea of sorrows deep and run fast
Lost in the waves and tides swamped all again in dreams of you
Crying out in the waters all around me as I sink once more beneath the waves
Falling down, down into the darkness of despair because I can still smell your hair
Feel it through my fingers when it shimmered softly in the lamplight
I want to scream and rip out my eyes so that I may not see your smile
Which warms me in the coldest of nights when I lay naked in the snows hoping
Praying, begging God to take me away, take me away take me, take me . . . too
Welcome me home into your arms again, oh I wish and I yearn
But God doesn’t listen to me in these nights no, no God ignores my pleas
I close my eyes and I bite my lips to blooding
I smash my fist across the ground to watch through tears as my knuckles break
I break my mind across this tiled out floor and smack it soundlessly on the wall
Because it is easier, this kind of pain is bearable it is, it is, it is
Unspeakably kinder than the wretched agony of living all over once more without
Never more, never more, never more will these hands hold
Never again, never once, never ever . . . will these arms feel
I worked this morning and I didn’t feel a thing
I worked this afternoon, this evening and tonight I remembered why
I remembered when
I remembered how
I remembered
Remembered
Again
God . . . you broke my heart forever when you . . .
It’s been a year, a lifetime and then another and another and still, still . . .
Since you’ve gone, since you tore . . . and I’m still here . . .
|