Fall '05
Digging through the trash I find inside myself,
discovering more and more things to hate.
I hate the way I give and give,
letting others use my generosity.
I hate the way I’m always too blind to see,
that so many are just using me.
I hate the way I let my friends go.
There is so much I wish I could let them know.
Like how much I love them,
how much they mean,
everything they’ve done for me.
I hate how I can never open up to others in reality,
but in this cyberworld, my mind and heart are on display.
I hate how when I finally try,
I stumble over myself,
growing even shyer.
I hate how when I say what I mean,
others don’t mean what they say.
I hate how I can’t change who I have become,
how the life in me just feels like letting go.
I hate how I see no hope,
how I see no love.
I hate how I find myself doubting an existence above.
I hate the way I keep just wasting away,
fretting over an inability to find a new love.
I hate that I feel.
I hate that I want to love and be loved.
I hate how I apologize for finally speaking my mind,
for finally standing up for myself.
I hate how I keep regressing into depression,
how I never seem to find a way out.
I hate how I hate myself,
and I hate how I am afraid it may never change.
I hate how I fear everything will be exactly the same.
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