When I Decided To Love You
"Books and boys have enmity my girl”
Generations of women said to me,
Old is gold
But I missed a step, tripped over my books and fell hard for you!
You see, when I decided to love you
I didn’t know what I was getting myself into because love is blind
I relied on the sweetness of your voice as my GPS
“Turn right, turn left, slow down, recalculating”
And I, I’ve always kept my ears straightened up
like the female dog you think I am
waiting to hear, “you have reached your destination”
a destination where you and I become one.
Delete my number you said
I can’t delete your number if I know it by heart
The same heart was shattered into tiny pieces
You’d think the piece with the stamp of your lips, the warmth of your hugs
Would just fall off and my heart will be whole again
I’ve seen them do it on TikTok
You know putting chocolate and pizza pieces together until it looks like
No one ever took a bite
I followed
Anticipating that I will see one video with how to mend a broken heart
Because you had literally bitten out of mine
My mother had this makeup brand product that she loved, they stopped making
So, she just didn’t accept that for a long while
I know now for sure that I’m not adopted
Cos, I couldn’t get over the fact that what we had was finished!
I guess I was delusional enough to belie myself to think that
Maybe your nights were longer too, maybe you got drunk on your salty tears too.
Maybe you just couldn’t tell me, so I reached out
78 phone calls all going to voicemail, 54 messages non replied
It tore me apart that you didn’t even bother
I had become one with the couch hoping upon hope
That you’d call me
But the phone never rang, and no texts awaited me
So, I learnt the hard way
That no message was also a message
I’m sorry,
But it was not you who needed my love,
It was me
But why apologize for loving till you burst
Till you burst open like the pods of peas, lupins and violas
Explosively
You see, when the seeds fell out of my pod they spread,
They spread to my mind, my body, my life
They germinated and brought forth fruits that allowed me to grow up
To stop moving forward like a kid but…move on
The grow up led to a… glow up
I guess you saw it on Instagram
Cos now the phone rings
And as it rings
It reminds me that I am a beautiful black woman!
When I decided to love you not, I decided to love me
You see, I am not depressed
My amplitude to feel is no pandemic
My heart needs no mending
I am not broken
I’m just a little bit more...explosive!
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