Tsunami
I was just reflecting if I truly love you..
You know as far as you can analyse these things.. or do I just like you intensely (different words for the same thing probably) and there was a moment, I can't quite pin it down in my mind. Or maybe lots of little realisations; when we walked together that time, or a hug that made me feel like I had arrived somewhere safe. Perhaps just sitting in silence and watching you, being drawn to absorb the shape of you.. that was a powerful moment. Longing to have you hold my hand. Human connection at it's most basic but so intensive and beautiful. I think there were lots of little moments after that. In your absence the ache of bereavement, for that was how I felt.. like the bear returned to the toy shop for a refund after years of dusty longing, then the hope of appreciation. Even then in the pain of loss, my love for you extended it's awareness as the Winter allows invisible growth underground..
So many profound moments where love climbed, and stretched, and expanded.
Every conversation, every breath, every message, every attentive word every considered pause, has strengthened and confirmed that I was always meant to love you for reasons as yet unclear. Maybe just to let you know you are so lovable, across your full spectrum of versions, moods, chapters and seasons of you. No 'don't love you' days. Just, 'now I will always carry you in my heart' days. I even love you more than when I started writing this and there is nothing either of us can do to stop this love tsunami.
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