The Aftermath
You’re the only definite
that I’m unsure about.
I have mixed feelings
and you’re all in them,
the anger flows throughout.
So many traits
I perfected
being connected,
to you
for so long.
The suppression,
misguided anger,
the depression
that could have killed me.
A damaging relationship,
but my love for you
won’t let me leave.
I’ll die slowly,
let this wound me,
you always aggrieve.
You say some things
I see red,
the countless times
we fought.
All the times
I stopped myself
from carrying out
those thoughts.
I’ll hurt myself
before I touch you,
and no one else
had better try.
Because despite
my feelings,
I always love you,
you’re the one
that gave me life.
I bite back
the hatred,
can’t always stop
the coldness,
but I don't really try.
Then you
push my buttons,
we go back at it,
only pause to reload.
I try not
to open myself,
can’t bear the depths
of my wrongs.
Can’t stand this thing
we’ve become.
How many times
do we have to cut,
to appreciate blood?
How many years
have to be muddled,
til we see the clearing?
You never take me
for my word,
but I love you
and I mean it.
Even when I left,
I still loved you.
No matter.
And if you leave me,
I’d never be alright,
because I love you,
despite,
...despite.
And when I hate you,
I love you.
No matter.
So if you
ever read this,
just know
that I cried.
And that I wanted
to reach out,
apologize.
But our past
stopped me,
can’t swallow
this pride.
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