Suicide Schemes
I wonder again why I have talked, uninterrupted
Until I am blue in the face
Convincing as I may be
You still believe
You're nothing more than human waste
Empty threats, locked doors turn into quiet space
So I kick and kick until the door breaks through
On the floor I find you
Anger such, an adrenaline rush
But no sign of you cold and blue
Different scene- you run straight out the door
Staggering bleeding from the wrist you cut
Eating poison to lure- me back in but
How many times will I chase you out the door?
I'm calling your name urgent
Then tired and sore
Because I've played this game too many times before
How many more police reports?
Worry turns to wonders of what this is all for
And all you seem to want is more
How many times for you
A helicopter in the city
Wasted time, attention, pity
How many times will I let you back inside
When your running came to an end and it became impossible to hide?
Taking refuge back home you come inside
Naked we get into the bathtub together
"Let's get you all cleaned off."
I take a washrag to the dirt and cuts on your skin with a touch so soft
You begin to cry, a whimper so
You hang your head
No more defense
The things you say begin to make sense
And I realize you're back.. It's you!
That sickening twist I never wanted to accept as truth
Because that anger I tried to hold on to
To show you that this I would not allow
Was for someone else
Surely it wasn't for you who is sitting in front of me now
My anger and frustration melts into something much more pure
Derived from the love that I have for you
And you crave it
Say "More, please more"
How many more apologies will I accept?
Or secrets from me should be kept?
Things I say in one ear and out the other
My patients wears thin
I somehow always find a way to get it back again
This poem was written 2012
Rest In Peace
Nicholas D. Lovelace
5/21/88 - 12/07/16
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