So Much To Say
. So Much to Say
”Here’s your oatmeal and blueberries
for breakfast,” I said. putting on a smile.
She said, “Could you adjust my pillows?
“Of course honey, “ I said,
wondering how many more breakfasts
I would bring to her
before she died.
She said “Will you make sure
they feed the cats
After I’m gone?
They forget sometimes…”
She shrugged.
I said, “Of course. honey.”
She said “My arm is lost somewhere
beneath the blankets
I can’t feel it.”
“I know, honey,” I said
retrieving her arm
from obscurity.
“And my leg feels as if it’s caught
Like a fish in a net…
Quivering” she said.
“I know honey,’ I said,
“Would you like me
To move it over?”
“Gently” she said
“Very gently” I said,
Moving her leg
Across the quilted blanket
Across the jagged edges
Of my grief.
I got there early
there was so much to say—
I said: “Have you been watching the birds
at the feeder?”
She said “I have…I love them…”
Her voice drifting away;
she didn’t say more
She didn’t say
“I will come back to you
As a bluebird…
and you’ll know it’s me.”
We have so much to say…
“Look how the sunlight
Is lighting up your hair!”
I said. “So pretty…”
“I love you too,” she said
Smiling, while her one hand drifted up
To the place where clumps
Of hair had fallen out.
“Can I brush your hair?” I asked
She nodded.
I took up the brush
And stroked her hair…
Grace descending on us
As if with invisible wings …
“You know we will always talk
honey, we will always talk.” I said,
“I would go with you” I didn’t say.
She nodded, closing her eyes,
Surrendering...
To the moment.
There was so much to say,
and there was nothing
to say.
I was yearning for words
“The blueberries are so good,” she finally said
And I nodded, my heart broken open
As a thousand birds
Flew out of the nest of my heart
Into the sky above….
Without another word…
Elizabeth Spring
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