Never To Be
December 13, 2014
It still pains me to know you have forgotten me
It pains me that your heart is so blurred and far
It hurts to never get the chance to tell you
It hurts that I should even care...
We were never to be
We never began, and yet...
Somehow I feel we have ended
The moment my pain breached into expression,
The instant my words flowed toward you,
The more I let my irrational love for you show
I am drenched in fumes when I think of you now
I wish I could just be happy for you
Yet it seems that you close me off...
I feel your slippery escape
You must be utterly disgusted--so why do you dangle there?
Why do you choose to suspend here?
Why do you exist in my heart when all I ever feel,
Is your cold emptiness...?
Perhaps you think I have no clue who you are,
And maybe you are right...
But I saw pieces of you that I will never forget
You are kind, wonderful. . .so bright. . .
And yet. . .I am always in the shade of your light
If only you can see how much you mean to me..
If I could only express how wounded I have become
Would you even care to know?
Would you turn your head, and see?
Or would you continue to suspend there,
In the corner of my life...
You spoke to me...
And when you slipped through that double door,
When I could no longer see you anymore...
When I knew you were still there...a room away
So close...and yet so hazy and cold
I never was prepared to cry
I was never prepared to break with you there...
I should have accepted that
I should have expected it...
We were never to be...
You exist--I exist
You ended it before I could begin
Before i could even... thank you. . .
Perhaps you have never forgotten me...
Somehow this hope leaves me devastated...
My anger powders into soft sadness
You never gave me the chance...
Just as I never could give you my truth
I could choose to use elegant words of expression
I could choose to lift my eyes to prettier skies and write
Of the glory of God's flawless nature
I could write ode upon ode of the gift of life
A sonnet of the gentle break of dawn,
And the soft cooing of the doves short after flight
But today. . .I write as a simple woman
A basic, typical heartbroken poet
A colossal pain ebbed in each melodramatic line
With no uniqueness,
Only sadness...
To show you...you...how much I care about such an overlooked legacy
How much I care...
How much I wish you were still there...
As I know I can never tell you who to be
Or what to see
I could never tell you
That it hurts so much that you just walked away
And that I will always be writing about you
That it hurts that these words have even met a page
And that it shall never change what you feel
I do not know what you feel now,
And maybe I never will
Though I have cherished bits and pieces of your heart,
You merely dangle
In a vacant lot of my beautiful world
I weep yet still, dear. . .
Though my eyes are finally prepared now
And it is fine. . .in the end, I will be fine
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