If Something Should Happen To Me
If something happens to me and I’m found stiff and cold,
Don’t think it’s my time,
‘cause I’m not nearly that old!
If it’s true what they say,
that fifty’s the new thirty,
Then i’m in my prime,
with plenty of time,
and a mind to be a little bit dirty.
I’ve been told, “trust your gut” but it seems sadly enough,
that i’ve truly married a nut!
I shake in the dark,
as I sleep with one eye open,
but I’m awake all night long,
just a prayin’ and hopin’.
I thought we had it made,
and I’ve loved her so much!
But she doesn’t kiss me back,
guess I’m only her crutch!
I’m not so big on sweets but I love a good wine.
She made me a special drink,
but it tasted like turpentine!
I was calling to Ralph as I knelt hugging the porcelain throne.
Cried aloud for some help,
‘cause she’d taken my doggon phone!
I saw my old Doc who’s had a suspicion.
He ordered me home,
on a fact finding mission.
I found the only gift she’d bought me in years,
an insurance policy that brought me to tears.
I thought my fate could be a reasonable dissolution,
but in this state it’s not a feasible solution.
So I’ve laid out some bait,
to match with her hate.
In my sad and lonely desperation,
I hired for her a temptation.
One bite of the fruit,
and there goes her loot.
Fifty-fifty my eye,
that’s too much from my pie!
I’ll find someone new,
more honest and true.
She’ll love me for just me,
and forever we’ll surely be.
But until that fine day,
while I’m still here to say,
If something happens to cause my hasty depart,
Please let the cops know, from the bottom of my heart,
She did it to me,
and it was definitely first degree!
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