I Cannot Word It Best
Where can I trace this finite feeling,
So that you may see it in its true form?
Upon your heart I would wish it would land,
Yet could my silly hands possibly reach there?
Such an affecting grasp it would have to be,
A fervent fingering, restless and wonting,
Submerged in the mortification of my true thoughts
No, I cannot word it best in your presence,
Let alone in the privacy of my avid writhing
You would quickly think me mad
If I were to even attempt
If I were to even try
See, when I touch,
I fear
And I fall
Quickly, quickly now I see you have mastered your rhetoric
And I wonder, wonder, with hellish anxiety
How can such easy words just drift off your lips?
Can they see how trying it is for me to simply breathe?
To process all their meaning,
To sift them over and over
And to push them from my prodding
As my silence swallows all its rages
And it is such a thirstful rage
That blooms every flower I feel for you
It is a red, dark, oozing rage,
Longing to be caressed by clarity,
Longing to be seized by you
No, I cannot word it best
If I were alone, wild and free,
Forgetting every mountain I must climb,
Pushing everything rotting me away…
If I were free to dance in screaming rain,
Or quarrel heatedly with a furious wind,
I could not say it loud enough,
Nor strong enough
Words only stump me,
Their form in my shaking mouth would justly falter,
The pull of their tides sinking me
I am wavering in your presence
Imminently, doggedly, candidly
I am quiet, for I am weak for you
I am easy enough,
Though my obscured world complicates me
As yours enthralls me
Is it then that my silence is my true strength,
That holds all the meaning I could possibly imagine?
If you were to pierce that essence
With anything more than your words,
I would cross thresholds of desires impermeable
Miles and miles of winds would be hushed by them
Melting in the magma of my drive
Rapids of rain soaking into the soil of sweet defeat
Compelling puddled reflections every which way
I cannot word it best
If I were to be sworn into confession
Tied up tight facing demanding, persuasive questions
I could not dream to baptize you with my strangest waters
With my oddest words of love
For you would see too soon that I am haunted
Crushed even,
In the silences and woes that most disregard
Because in my love
You would soon find desolate greed
Mixed with the pains and anguishes of my past
You would see my rage take form
In such a gentle lie
Squeezing every possible feeling
Into a quickly cooling, solid rock
I always fear
I always fall
Yet,
In all the coldness of my insecurities,
No heat melts me more than the thought of your love
I see it clearly through your seamless strength
I could not bear to see you go
Those words you utter
That love you show
No, I could not dream…
If I were to bring myself to speak,
To bravely trace those fingers on your heart,
To kiss your mind,
I would hope that you could breathe with me
I would wish you would perceive with me
All that is languishing underneath
February 3, 2018
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