Gone, Wither, Wend
jeezis …
didn’t you know?
you HAD to know
you were there, too
you felt it -
you said so
before I said a WORD
you had expressed it …
perfectly
you were the river I swam up
slow
deep
pristine
warm and welcoming …
touch, caress, kiss, impel, look …
look …
looking
straight to your soul
no walls
no games
no pretense or curves
your eyes were my HOME
my eyes …
your playground
WE … were the source
that place where identity meshed
chaotic passion
a swirl of ids and motions and
ecstatic desire
so rare …
so incredibly rare
didn’t you know that??
you HAD to
I know you did …
and that’s what is so senseless
that’s what angers me
in the dark hours
the black moments
the moments of loss and
reality and regret
was that sacrifice worth it?
I wish I knew …
oh, how I pray to heaven it WAS
for you …
for what does that say about me …
about my worth …
my value …
my desirability??
the saddest thing
for ME
is that I can NOT answer that question
maybe …
just maybe, you CAN
but it’s the last thing I ever want to
hear leave your lips …
not because it wouldn’t be the truth
not because it would ache to the marrow
not because it might change everything between us …
but because everything you think and
feel and say … is now moot …
your betrayal of those
priceless, precious, extraordinarily
rare and invaluable things
has shown me that you cherish the
tangible over the intangible -
that your priorities are the
things you can hold and see and
put comfort in …
and THAT actuality in itself
proves that all those soul-deep,
profoundly intense conversations we
had about what is truly
important in life -
those things that enrich the
spirit and give love it’s meaning and
immortality -
were just so much effluvium …
thistles on the winds of passing
that you puffed away
with one weak, careless breath
and despite all the
miraculous connections we once had -
the joy and passion and
heart-melding experiences -
those priorities haven’t made ME worthless
(though I spent years believing so)
they’ve made your AFFECT upon me worthless
and in the grandest
most honest and cherished schemes of life
I just no longer …
give a damn.
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