Ball and Chain
well, there you go, sweetheart;
i have done it at last -
the unthinkable, the reckless, the bold
and possibly suicidal thing...
i have gritted my teeth and hurled myself out into the
void,
into all those endless miles of frigid soul-sucking vacuum
that stretch, echoing, fatal, between us;
i have broken all taboos, all our silent intense oaths -
i broached the subject of marriage.
oh yes, shudder in your shoes and recoil...
it lies before us in the ether,
that doomladen ritual of wedlock, of entwining souls,
that old ball and chain...i dangle it before you now,
like a baited lure, a mace with shining spikes
ready to be driven into your heart -
or mine
and in so doing, i have committed the bravest rashest act;
i have relinquished all my carefully hoarded power,
risked all, life and heart and soul,
for this kamikaze mission, this fairytale yearning...
i have placed my battered self esteem on the table
a crude bargaining chip,
and raised the stakes to their lofty teetering peak
and in so doing, i offer you my throat to cut,
my veins to slice,
my life to choke from me as you see fit
i have made myself both hunter and hunted,
doomed whichever way i turn -
and all for this;
a closely guarded longing, an image of you and i, a dream...
you in pristine white suit, tousled black hair tumbling over
masculine shoulders, standing at the altar;
that sacrificial place -
and there am i, beside you, shining and radiant,
an angel with luminous smile and turgid crimson heart, bursting
with so much fabulous dreamed-up love i can scarcely stand...
it is a beautiful snapshot, composed of mist and moonbeams,
of my own fervent imaginings
a fool's hope, certainly, but also a tenuous possibility...
and for this, i have risked all,
have danced myself a merry jig all the way to the edge of the grave -
and here i hover, white-lipped, wild-eyed,
in limbo between ecstasy and crippling goddamned despair;
with only one word from you to decide which way i tumble -
to decide how i will live...
or, bitterly,
Die.
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