All Is Fair In Love and War - Right
“I prob’ly shouldn’t be telling you, Marge, but...knowing I can count on you to never tell another soul...get a load of this!
Just as I was hoping, my biggest prayer was answered - and after barely seven weeks, Chris broke up with Chris!
“You heard me right,” I filled her in…“Chris threw in the towel. I can’t believe it took that long for them to call it quits!
According to the rumor, Marge, they had a monster argument, and Chris - who has a temper, and is known for throwing fits -
“Slung her beefy, 6-foot frame clear across the kitchen...for which she promptly kicked him where the fellas hate the most,
Then popped him in the snot-box - several times, I understand - and by the time the cops arrived, Chris, I guess...was toast!
“Chris’s doctor told me, when I called...‘If all goes well...he’ll get released from ICU in twelve or thirteen days,’
So I began devising plans to keep them “broken up” - most of which were ruthless, and, below, I list the ways.
“I started out by telling him that - ‘same--first--name--relationships’ - as anyone who’s tried one will confirm - will fall apart
Long before the standard type where - first names AREN’T the same...and that friendships built on - ‘same--first--names’ - are doomed before they start!
“That didn’t even phase him, Marge! Wherever you saw Chris - if Chris was in the same damn room - the two were holding hands!
But knowing what a risk there was for them to - patch things up - should they wind up someday soon exchanging wedding bands -
“I tried a second tactic that I felt would surely work - I lined him up with horny chicks from those I used to date!
And if and when he’d talk about his plans to - pop the question...I’d take him out an’ get him drunk an’ beg the fool to wait!
“He asked me once...‘Chris and I, I swear, are meant to be. We’re just alike in every way, so - how can that go wrong?’
Then I explained...‘Tony Youlbesorry married Toni Bustyourassey...and now he’s paying child support ‘cause that didn’t last too long!
“To which he countered, ‘Listen, Carl...maybe this sounds wacko...but I could never give her up…the fact is, man...I love her!’
I simply couldn’t convince him of what countless divorcées...after siring children...would eventually discover!
“Deploying tactic three, I said, ‘Chris is really gorgeous, and I wouldn’t be surprised at all if, every now and then,
When you’re out of town - she sneaks around with someone else! You mustn’t be naive, my friend...there are those kind of men
“‘Who’ll grab a single gal like Chris, and, you know...chat her up! Maybe even sweep her off her feet an’ go for broke!
Like I said...she’s awfully cute...and wouldn’t be the first girl to fall in love with some attractive, cool, persuasive bloke!
?“‘Maybe you should check around and...see what she’s been up to. What if she’s been seeing someone else when you’re away?’”
“‘Not a chance,’ he guaranteed…‘Chris would never do that. I see her every Friday night, and call her every day!’”
I tried a fourth ---
“Just because she went and had a big ol’ crimson Cupid’s heart tattooed on her upper torso sometime late last week,
With an arrow through its center and a pair of Gothic ‘C’s - interlaced...which I only know because she let me peek...
“Doesn’t mean that BOTH of them are meant to stand for - Chris! Maybe one’s for someone else whose name begins with ‘C’,
Like, say...Chuck, or Chester, -- Carson, or Clancy! How do we know for certain for whom that second 'C' might be?”
Unconvinced by my assertions, Chris began to probe...requesting clarification on just how it was I knew
That Chris, uncharacteristically, had chose to get tattooed -- (the explanation I’d supplied apparently wouldn't do).
“‘I didn’t know she’d gotten one,’ he growled, suspiciously…‘and I'm a little bothered by the fact YOU got to see
Anything on Chris’s chest at all! And...tell me, Carl...do you spell your name with a ‘K’...or does it start with ‘C’?”
He caught me by surprise with that, but I’m your basic wizard at working peoples’ minds around to cover my mistakes.
“Listen, Chris,” I started out, “I’ve been trying hard to sabotage your bond with Chris, no matter what it takes!
“I’m doing all I can to keep you two from making up, but, frankly, I’ve grown really tired of playing all these games.
And Chris agrees with me,” I said…“that - as the research shows - relationships devised between two souls with...same--first--names -
“Only leads to trouble down the road. It never works. And I tried hard to find you someone else to fill her shoes,
But...as with every battle for the heart of those we love...someone’s going to win the war, and...someone’s going to lose.
“All is fair in love and war, they say, and - though I do feel guilty - I can’t say I’m sorry for the tactics that I tried.
I prayed that you’d break up one day and I would get my chance to - dry her tears - mend her heart - and take her for my bride!
“I know how much you cared for her, and - given that we’re friends - I tried to find a gentle way to steer you from her life,
But nothing could have hindered me from trying to make her mine...and nothing’s going to hinder me from making her my wife.
Sorry, Chris!
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